Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Real Crimes Committed By Dumb Criminals

Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Crazy But True Facts

More Monopoly money is printed yearly than real money throughout the world.
Penguins are not found in the North Pole
People photocopying their buttocks are the cause of 23% of all photocopier errors worldwide.
A dentist invented the Electric Chair.
Rudolf the Red-nosed reindeer was actually created as a promotional figure for Montgommery Wards department stores.
A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
Percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% Percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
A whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.
Walt Disney got the idea for Mickey Mouse from watching mice play in a garage, where he was forced to work, because he could not afford to rent an art studio.
About 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens each year.
About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.
Alexander Graham Bell's wife and mother were both deaf .
The "O" when used as a prefix in Irish surnames means "descendant of."
Alfred Hitchcock did not have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.
Cockroaches break wind every 15 minutes.
Charlie Brown's dad was a barber.
Fish scales are an ingredient in most lipsticks.
Frank Baum, the writer of "The Wizrd of OZ", looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."
The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp (a variety of the marijuana plant) paper
On average, every chocolate bar contains at least three insect legs.

Friday, August 12, 2005

An Atheist

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too. Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
Then, asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a Christian."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly.
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
She paused, and smiled. "Then," says Lucy, "I'd be an atheist."

Clean Jokes for a Dirty World

If you like this joke, and the next few, you can find more like it at

A True Story

A teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family of seven) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

A True Story

A father knelt with his son to hear his prayers. The three year old boy began in all seriousness: "Our Father who Art in Heaven, how do You know my name? And another four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

S.Korean man dies after 50 hours of computer games

SEOUL (Reuters) - A South Korean man who played computer games for 50 hours almost non-stop died of heart failure minutes after finishing his mammoth session in an Internet cafe, authorities said on Tuesday.
The 28-year-old man, identified only by his family name Lee, had been playing on-line battle simulation games at the cybercafe in the southeastern city of Taegu, police said.
Lee had planted himself in front of a computer monitor to play on-line games on August 3. He only left the spot over the next three days to go to the toilet and take brief naps on a makeshift bed, they said.
"We presume the cause of death was heart failure stemming from exhaustion," a Taegu provincial police official said by telephone.
Lee had recently quit his job to spend more time playing games, the daily JoongAng Ilbo reported after interviewing former work colleagues and staff at the Internet cafe.
After he failed to return home, Lee's mother asked his former colleagues to find him. When they reached the cafe, Lee said he would finish the game and then go home, the paper reported.
He died a few minutes later, it said.
South Korea, one of the most wired countries in the world, has a large and highly developed game industry.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Discovery Touchdown Successful!

EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. - Discovery and its crew of seven glided safely back to Earth on Tuesday, ending a riveting, at times agonizing, 14-day test of space shuttle safety that was shadowed by the ghosts of Columbia.
Discovery swooped through the darkness of the Mojave Desert and landed on the Edwards runway at 5:11 a.m. PDT, well before sunrise. It marked the conclusion of the first shuttle re-entry since Columbia's tragic return.
The detour to California came after thunderstorms in Cape Canaveral, Fla., prevented the shuttle from returning to its home base.
"Congratulations on a truly spectacular test flight," Mission Control said once Discovery came to a stop. "Welcome home, friends."
"We're happy to be back and we congratulate the whole team for a job well done," Commander Eileen Collins replied.
The inherently dangerous ride down through the atmosphere — more anxiety-ridden than normal because of what happened to Columbia 2 1/2 years ago — went smoothly. No problems were immediately reported by Mission Control.
Held up a day by bad weather in Florida, the shuttle soared across the Pacific and over Southern California, passing just north of Los Angeles on its way to Edwards.
NASA adjusted the flight path in order to skirt Los Angeles because of new public safety considerations in the wake of the Columbia disaster, which rained debris onto Texas and Louisiana.
Discovery's journey, which began with a liftoff on July 26, spanned 219 orbits of Earth and 5.8 million miles.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Some of you may appreciate these!

A Look at Bill Gates' Computer...

Microsoft Panhandler v1.0 (Beta)

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft Corporation chair, CEO and all-around babe magnet Bill Gates announced yesterday the introduction of a new product for Windows 95: Microsoft Panhandling."The idea came to me the other day when a homeless man asked me for money," recalls Gates. "I suddenly realized that we were missing a golden opportunity. Here was a chance to make a profit without any initial monetary investment. Naturally, this man then became my competition, so I had my limo driver run over him several times."Microsoft engineers have been working around the clock to complete Gates' vision of panhandling for the 21st century."We feel that our program designers really understand how the poor and needy situation works," says Microsoft Homeless product leader Bernard Liu. "Except for the fact that they're stinking rich."Microsoft Panhandling will be automatically installed with Windows 95. At random intervals, a dialog box pops up, asking the user if they could spare any change so that Microsoft has enough money to get a hot meal. ("This is a little lie," admits software engineer Adam Miller, "since our diet consists of Coke and Twinkies, but what panhandler doesn't embellish a little?") The user can click Yes, in which case a random amount of change between $.05 and $142.50 is transferred from the user's bank account to Microsoft's. The user can also respond No, in which case the program politely tells the user to have a nice day. The "No" button has not yet been implemented."We're experiencing a little trouble programming the No button," Bernard Liu says, "but we should definitely have it up and running within the next couple of years. Or at least by the time Windows 2014 comes out. Maybe." Gates says this is just the start of an entire line of products."Be on the lookout for products like Microsoft Mugging, which either takes $50 or erases your hard drive, and Microsoft Squeegee Guy, which will clean up your Windows for a dollar." (When Microsoft Squeegee Guy ships, Windows 95 will no longer automatically refresh your windows.)But there are competitors on the horizon. Sun Microsystems and Oracle Corporation are introducing panhandling products of their own."Gates is a few tacos short of a combination platter, if you get my drift," says Oracle Head Honcho and 3rd degree black belt Larry Ellison. "I mean, in the future, we won't need laptop computers asking you for change. You'll have an entire network of machines asking you for money."Gates responded with, "I know what you are, but what am I?" General pandemonium then ensued.

Types of Computer Viruses

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Airline virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
The MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Bill Clinton virus: This virus mutates from region to region and we're not exactly sure what it does.
Bill Clinton virus: Promises to give equal time to all processes: 50% to poor, slow processes; 50% to middle-class processes, and 50% to rich ones. This virus protests your computer's involvement in other computer's affairs, even though it has been having one of its own for 12 years.
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
Congressional Virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
Dan Quayle virus: Prevents your system from spawning any child processes without joining into a binary network.
Dan Quayle virus: Simplye addse ane ee toe everye worde youe typee..
David Duke virus: Makes your screen go completely white.
Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
Federal bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of the computer.
Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
Gallup virus: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
George Bush virus: Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of it until November.
Government economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
Jerry Brown virus: Blanks your screen and begins flashing an 800 number.
Madonna virus: If your computer gets this virus, lock up your dog!
Mario Cuomo virus: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
Michael Jackson virus: Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won't harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
New World Order virus: probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Nike virus: Just Does It!
Ollie North virus: Turns your printer into a document shredder.
Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
Pat Buchanan virus: Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Paul Revere virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack---once if by LAN, twice if by C:.
Paul Tsongas virus: Pops up on December 25 and says, "I'm not Santa Claus."
PBS virus: Your PC stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Politically correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
Richard Nixon virus: Also known as the "Tricky Dick Virus", you can wipe it out but it always makes a comeback.
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
Ross Perot virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
Ted Kennedy virus: Crashes your computer but denies it ever happened.
Ted Turner virus: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
Terry Randle virus: Prints "Oh no you don't" whenever you choose "Abort" from the "Abort, Retry, Fail" message.
Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
UK Parliament virus: Splits the screen into two with a message in each half blaming other side for the state of the system.
Warren Commission virus: Won't allow you to open your files for 75 years.

Discovery Delayed Another Day

Because weather conditions in Florida are not ideal, NASA has chosen to wait til tomorrow to try to land the shuttle.

Mr. ABC Dies at 67

Peter died with his family around him, without pain and in peace. He knew he'd lived a good life," his wife and children said in a statement.
In announcing Jennings' death to his ABC colleagues, News President David Westin wrote:
"For four decades, Peter has been our colleague, our friend, and our leader in so many ways. None of us will be the same without him.
"As you all know, Peter learned only this spring that the health problem he'd been struggling with was lung cancer. With Kayce, he moved straight into an aggressive chemotherapy treatment. He knew that it was an uphill struggle. But he faced it with realism, courage, and a firm hope that he would be one of the fortunate ones. In the end, he was not.
"We will have many opportunities in the coming hours and days to remember Peter for all that he meant to us all. It cannot be overstated or captured in words alone. But for the moment, the finest tribute we can give is to continue to do the work he loved so much and inspired us to do."

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Dumb Georgia Laws

Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.
Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.
Signs are required to be written in English.
You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.
No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.
It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.
All citizens must own a rake.
Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.
One man may not be on another man's back.
Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.
Chicken must be eaten with the hands.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"
Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.
Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.
St. Mary's
No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.
Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.
It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.

Dumb Alabama Laws

It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
You may not drive barefooted.
It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
Masks may not be worn in public.
Putting salt on a railraod track may be punishable by death.
Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
Incestous marriages are legal.
It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
You must have windshield wipers on your car.
You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
Lee County
It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits.
It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses. (Repealed)

Yet another repair?

SPACE CENTER, Houston (AP) - With a gentle tug of his gloved right hand, Discovery astronaut Stephen Robinson removed two worrisome pieces of filler material from the shuttle's belly Wednesday in an unprecedented space repair job that drew a big sigh of relief from NASA.
But he may have to go out again to fix yet another trouble spot.
Robinson was barely back inside the shuttle and out of his spacesuit Wednesday when Mission Control informed the crew there was a chance that a fourth spacewalk may be needed Saturday to deal with a torn thermal blanket below a cockpit window.
If the spacewalk is necessary, it would delay the shuttle's scheduled undocking from the space station and push back Discovery's return to Earth until at least Tuesday, NASA officials said.
The concern is that a roughly 1-foot section of the blanket could rip away during re-entry, whip backward and slam into the shuttle, perhaps causing grave damage. Engineers expect to know by Thursday afternoon whether the danger is real and whether any blanket trimming is required.
"I think in the old days we would not have worried about this nearly so much," Hale said. "I am very hopeful that we will be able to put this issue at rest.
Overall, Discovery seems to be in good shape for re-entry, he said.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Man Pays Fine in Pennies. Was it really worth it?

A man who tried to get even by paying a traffic ticket with $120 in pennies got upstaged by a North Dakota judge who made him stay until they were counted. Robert John Zukowski brought a garbage can full of about 12,000 pennies to Clay County District Court to pay his fine for speeding, the Fargo Forum reported. Court Administrator Jan Crossette lugged the bucket of change to a bank, which used a machine to count the money and gave her $120 in bills. Zukowski got a few pennies back in overpayment. Judge John Pearson told the newspaper he thought Zukowski's anger was misdirected. "If the person is mad at the cop, why take it out on court administration?" Pearson asked. "They're punishing the wrong people."

More on the Shuttle Repair

Spacewalking astronaut Steve Robinson plucked a couple of loose fiber strips from Discovery's belly on Wednesday in an unprecedented repair to the shuttle's heat shield.
"I'm grasping it and I'm pulling it and it's coming out very easily. Beautiful. Nice," Robinson radioed as he pulled the material out from between the heat resistant tiles on the shuttle's underside.
"It looks like this big patient is cured."
With fellow spacewalker Soichi Noguchi watching from a perch on the International Space Station, to which Discovery is docked on the first shuttle flight since the 2003 Columbia disaster, Robinson was lowered on the station's robot arm to an area below Discovery's nose.
Moving deliberately, he used his gloved fingers to tug out the two strips with surprisingly little effort. Robinson carried a small hacksaw, scissors and forceps in case he could not pull the strips out.
The strips, made of ceramic covered cloth, are thought to have come loose from their adhesive bond and, though protruding only an inch (2.5 cm), NASA engineers feared they could change the aerodynamics enough during landing on Aug. 8 to cause dangerous heat damage to the shuttle.

For You Country Music Fans

This photo from Carolina Herrera shows country music star Kenny Chesney kissing the hand of his bride, actress Renee Zellweger, wearing her Carolina Herrera designed wedding dress, on the beach in Cruz Bay, on St.John in the U.S. Virgin Islands on Monday, May 9, 2005. Wonder how long they'll last, huh?

Shuttle Repair Successful!

SPACE CENTER, Houston (AP) - A spacewalking astronaut pulled a potentially dangerous strip of protruding fabric from Discovery's belly with his gloved hand Wednesday, completing the first of two steps in an unprecedented emergency repair job.
Astronaut Stephen Robinson said the piece came out easily. He had one more strip of dangling fabric to remove before NASA could call the job a complete success.
"I'm pulling. It's coming out very easily," Robinson said as he quickly removed the first protruding filler. "The offending gap filler has been removed."